so this is love... la la la la

I keep trying to post an update on here, but it seems life has taken over :)

Its been a difficult few weeks. I've had a little bit of a hard time physically... I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

I had a pretty intense revelation today.

I have had this overwhelming sense of guilt because I'm not exactly enjoying every moment of being pregnant. I find myself terrified most days. I'm either in bed, or praying I can get to my bed soon. I've been in the hospital twice, mostly just because of minor complications the doctors want to keep an eye on because I'm considered a "high risk pregnancy". 

I really only find my comfort in the sense of peace that finds its way deep in my spirit. Sometimes I feel like its so hidden its hard to see. But at any rate, I'm so grateful, because deep down, I know its deep down.

Its true, from the moment you discover that there is a life growing inside you, you are OVERWHELMED. 

Andrew says it best... I've over heard him say quite a few times that I'm carrying his love child. This baby could not be loved more. And the love we feel for him/her keeps growing and growing and growing...

So this is love... la la la la.

Best Christmas EVER!

On the night before Christmas eve, Andrew and I received the most amazing Christmas gift ever. We found out that we are indeed going to have a baby!

I usually keep stock in pregnancy tests, but had run out. I felt this insane sense of urgency to go get some from walgreens at 9:45 pm... in the middle of a snow storm. My wonderful husband asked me if I could wait until morning due to the road conditions. I told him I couldn't. I got in my car, expecting to have some what of a breakdown because I just knew that it would be another negative test. I asked myself why in the world I was doing this. But as soon as I shut the car door I was completely overwhelmed with a peace that I still can't really form into words. I started singing to myself all of the hymns and choruses I remember my mom singing to us as kids. I braved the roads and made it safely to the drug store, got my tests, and the biggest bottle of water you can imagine and left.

I took the first test.... and it was positive. I started screaming and ran out of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles. Andrew asked to take the second test. Only this time it was negative. We both looked at each other wondering if our excitement was for nothing, he kissed my forehead and ran out to get more tests (with the storm still going strong outside). 

He came home with 3 more tests. I drank more water that night than I thought humanly possible... but alas, 4 positive pregnancy tests later. We're pretty sure I'm pregnant!

I'm still in shock and awe over the detail of Christ.

You see... I've wanted to be a mom my entire life. I named every barbie and baby doll I ever had. I tortured my macho brother by making them play house. I performed wedding ceremonies between GI joes and barbies only so that they could have my little ponies as children. (I know, I was a strange child). I have been told on numerous occasions that pregnancy and child bearing would be difficult if not impossible. But thanks to Andrew's little swimmers, and the Lord's hand (I'm pretty sure he had something to do with it) we shoved it to 'em!

Speaking of detail (here's the best part)...

Two months ago, Andrew and I traveled to Ohio to do worship for a conference. We had been given several words about babies. One in particular from our friend/evangelist Jim White. On the last night of the conference, Jim gave us another word about a baby "being in the midst", afterwards Cal Pierce himself stopped his sermon only to tell us... "Simply, the Lord says seven months". At the time we had no idea what that meant. We cried, we prayed, and we kept trying!

Well... honest to goodness, its been 7 months. It took us 7 months to conceive this wonderful, beautiful (yes, I already know he/she will be gorgeous), amazingly talented (hello! look at his/her parents!) child. 

God is good. 

Merry Christmas,

Andrew, Kalah, and baby :)

Your grace is sufficient for me. 

Your strength is made perfect when I am weak

And all that I cling to, I lay at your feet

Your grace is sufficient for me.

-Shane and Shane 

Ready

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me... 

to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion.

To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for sadness,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

that they may be called trees of righteousness;

the plating of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

Isaiah 61:1-3

I had a conversation today with a man who went to school for many years to study my disease. He doesn't know me by my name or by character, by my faith or by my story. He simply knows me by Juvenile Diabetic, patient number... blah blah. I know this because I have seen him several times and he still calls me "ka li". 

I went down the list of side effects... all of the things I try to convince myself are not really happening. He stops and asks how old I was when I got my diagnosis. I tell him 15.  He looks at my chart and says "oh you're going on your 10 year anniversary" 

and I ask myself, did this man really just call it an anniversary? Like I'm supposed to celebrate it? What kind of candle goes on that cake?

He starts to explain what happens after 10 years... how all of this is... "normal". I begin to thank God for my mother who never entertained the word and refused to let me explore normalcy. He tells me this is just part of the disease. It might get better, but the reality is it will probably get worse. 

We go over my numbers, we go over my prescriptions, we go over my next appointment... 

Perhaps some people would have felt relieved after hearing this. I however (at first) contemplated laying down in the parking lot, begging someone to run me over.

I'm just being honest. I think there's a goodness in that. Honesty, what a tragically lovely word. 

So here I am... at the cross roads, waiting for the barrier to come up or go down. I like it when there are no in betweens, when I can know for sure. But that wouldn't be any fun would it?

When I got home I unpacked a box of old journals. Mine and Andrew's (we're connected by our moleskins) and I begin to read... 

Page 47 of mine says "I got a word tonight... I will change the sound of worship."

Page 12 of Andrew's says "I feel like the Lord is saying there's something more, I am destined for something more".

Another lines promises children, another line dreams of freedom. 

There were all these things we had written down, some before we were married, some after... all these things God had promised. None of it was normal and none of it left room for a death sentence. 

I wanted to cry, I clenched my jaw and waited for tears, but none came. It was one of those extremely uncomfortable, conflicted moments. 

But in my heart I knew... I know... this is not over yet. There are so many things left on my list and I refuse to give up. 

Am I alone on that one? Do any of you feel this way? What is that you're waiting for? I really would like to know... 

"Its me and a gun, and a man on my back, but I haven't seen barbados, so I gotta get outta this."

-Tori Amos

dully noted.

Oswald Chambers wrote...

"To be certain of God is to be uncertain in all our ways. You never know what a day may bring. This is generally said with a sign of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation."

Today after a series of unfortunate events I asked God "what am I supposed to do with this?" He didn't answer me... :) Redundant chatter drowns out the sound of His voice sometimes. 

God has broken in to our silence, standing with a ribbon of love with His open arms. Oceans of open red. The curtains aren't drawn shut, so I can see the Father. A breeze of grace, your cross brings me more than enough...

Its when possibility turns into promise.

Whole hearted obedient abandon.

I breathe in hope, like its the wind.

whatever the season, whatever the reason...

This month has been nothing short of insanity and its only just begun. Andrew and I are in the middle of several projects in our home. They're fun, but sooooo time consuming! I will be excited when we get the first floor done. 

Last night I went to a conference at our church with Brian and Jenn Johnson. I feel like I first need to say, if you don't know who they are or haven't heard them, GO LISTEN! 

They have an off the wall story like Drew and I and Jenn Johnson is freaking hilarious! She said something last night that hit me like a ton of bricks and I believe will stay with me forever. She said "no matter what season you're in your life, enjoy it, soak in it, know that it is the exact season the Lord wants you in". I really believe that every season of our life holds eternal weight. Some make sense, some don't, but they are all valuable. I am the queen of to do lists. I am constantly adding on to one or starting another and sometimes I live my life that way. When I cross something off, I have a hard time stopping to enjoy the accomplishment or the victory.... I just move on to the next "to do". The last 2 years of my life have held some of the biggest changes ever. They each held their own season, all completely relevant to my destiny. 

I tip toe to the bridge waiting to hear God's big booming voice, and quite often I hear silence. Sometimes I hear the earth's song, and sometimes I hear what I desire... sometimes I see with my eyes wide open, sometimes I see with my eyes closed shut... on all accounts... no matter the season, no matter the reason, still... I want to praise Him. When I'm sick, when I'm lethargic, when I'm satisfied, when I'm undone, when I'm in love... still... still I will praise. 

the wind and waves still know...

"If I must choose between peace and righteousness, I will choose righteousness."

 _Theodore Rosevelt

The last month of our lives have been anything short of insane. We've lost 2 family members in the last 30 days and as I type this my father is in the hospital. Sickness has seemed to swarm other people that are so very dear to our hearts. Times like these my heart feels so heavy. I will never understand sickness. I will never understand death. I will never understand God. But I do understand that my inability to understand things brings me to one place... 

When fear and apathy grip me, when time seems like my enemy, when pain seeps through my veins, when life is unwilling to cooperate... in that place I realize that there is still so much dying left to be done. Dying to my pride,  to my sin, to my anger, to my pain, to myself. 

We've been in our new house for almost a month. I wonder if its possible I'll look back at this time in our lives and be grateful that I spent so much time crying out to God for our family... after all, family is the suffice that has led us here. 

There's no skyline out here... but I don't mind that at all. Instead I fall asleep listening to frogs and crickets. The beat of the song makes the birds twirl upon their branches. I can hear Him in the stillness and the silence of my beating heart.

The draw bridge has almost met its match. You're asking me to walk with you on water, to go set the people free... to get past the intro and BEGIN.

The wilderness has become my comfort, my barrenness my badge...

Ready

Set

Go

Hi, you've reached the Rileys!

We're finally homeowners!

The Lord is gracious... He's slow to anger... 

He's rich in love... He is good to all...